What if I...

Yes its been a really long time since I posted anything, wanna fight about it? This story is glorious and well worth the wait. Not really, but who cares.

So I'm driving home from work, and like every day, the traffic is absolutely horrible. The lane I am in is ending and I have to merge left. I try to do so, but to no avail. No one lets me in. Then I behold a wide space between two cars and I edge right into it. As I am doing so, the driver of the car I am "cutting off" hits the gas and blares the horn and flashes his lights. What the fuck am I gonna do guy? I gotta get over and you wouldn't let me. Sometimes you gotta take the law into your own hands like a fucking vigilante.

Time goes by. A few miles down the road we come to a red light. I notice with my superhero-esqe peripheral vision some gnarly movement. I scope it out and there is an old bag of troll vomit asking me to roll down the window. I oblige, because what the fuck else am I doing? He is an older gent, I'd say mid-sixties, balding and totally grey haired. In any other circumstance he would seem grandfatherly and appealing (not sexually, but...OK fine. sexually.) But the scowl that marred his face clued me in that he was slightly peeved at me. Before I can utter a word he yells "Next time I'm just gonna hit you with my car!" to which I reply "That's fine, then your insurance would pay for me to get a new car." and I smiled at him. Then he gets all filled with old man anger and says "Fuck you!" to which I reply very matter-of-factly and not with any angst in my voice "Fuck you, you old piece of shit." I said that as if he had asked me the time, and I had merely replied "The time is 12:06. Have a nice day". For some reason I wasn't angry yet.

My nonchalant manner apparently made him even more angry because he then began a new tirade. I'm not quite sure what he said in that tirade because at that point my switch flipped.
I picked up the metal bar that I keep in my car for such occasions and I waved it menacingly at him while angrily growling "I'm going to bash your head in with this and then skull fuck you!" Now I admit that I wasn't truly prepared to do so, but he didn't know that. Hell, for all he knew, I'd done it before and liked it.

Then he did the most amazing and wonderful thing ever. It was truly a sight to behold. In response to my threat of killing him and then copulating with his lifeless head, he shouts back "What if I shit in your mouth?"

Words cannot describe how funny it really was. I placed my metal bar back into its hiding place, and I said "You win." and then I rolled up the window. I then laughed harder than I have ever laughed before. Then I called everyone I could think of to tell them this story . All the while he is still screaming at me and asking me to pull over and fight him. Now I love beating old people to death as much as the next guy, but I just didn't have it in me. I was full of joy at this point, not rage.

Well, he went his way and I went mine. I've pondered his question every day since then, though. What if he did? What would I do? After much deliberation, I believe that I finally know what the answer is. I still drive that way home, and I hope one day I see him again so I can get him to roll down his window and tell him "I would probably throw up, or at the very least spit it out."