Yes its been a really long time since I posted anything, wanna fight about it? This story is glorious and well worth the wait. Not really, but who cares.
So I'm driving home from work, and like every day, the traffic is absolutely horrible. The lane I am in is ending and I have to merge left. I try to do so, but to no avail. No one lets me in. Then I behold a wide space between two cars and I edge right into it. As I am doing so, the driver of the car I am "cutting off" hits the gas and blares the horn and flashes his lights. What the fuck am I gonna do guy? I gotta get over and you wouldn't let me. Sometimes you gotta take the law into your own hands like a fucking vigilante.
Time goes by. A few miles down the road we come to a red light. I notice with my superhero-esqe peripheral vision some gnarly movement. I scope it out and there is an old bag of troll vomit asking me to roll down the window. I oblige, because what the fuck else am I doing? He is an older gent, I'd say mid-sixties, balding and totally grey haired. In any other circumstance he would seem grandfatherly and appealing (not sexually, but...OK fine. sexually.) But the scowl that marred his face clued me in that he was slightly peeved at me. Before I can utter a word he yells "Next time I'm just gonna hit you with my car!" to which I reply "That's fine, then your insurance would pay for me to get a new car." and I smiled at him. Then he gets all filled with old man anger and says "Fuck you!" to which I reply very matter-of-factly and not with any angst in my voice "Fuck you, you old piece of shit." I said that as if he had asked me the time, and I had merely replied "The time is 12:06. Have a nice day". For some reason I wasn't angry yet.
My nonchalant manner apparently made him even more angry because he then began a new tirade. I'm not quite sure what he said in that tirade because at that point my switch flipped.
I picked up the metal bar that I keep in my car for such occasions and I waved it menacingly at him while angrily growling "I'm going to bash your head in with this and then skull fuck you!" Now I admit that I wasn't truly prepared to do so, but he didn't know that. Hell, for all he knew, I'd done it before and liked it.
Then he did the most amazing and wonderful thing ever. It was truly a sight to behold. In response to my threat of killing him and then copulating with his lifeless head, he shouts back "What if I shit in your mouth?"
Words cannot describe how funny it really was. I placed my metal bar back into its hiding place, and I said "You win." and then I rolled up the window. I then laughed harder than I have ever laughed before. Then I called everyone I could think of to tell them this story . All the while he is still screaming at me and asking me to pull over and fight him. Now I love beating old people to death as much as the next guy, but I just didn't have it in me. I was full of joy at this point, not rage.
Well, he went his way and I went mine. I've pondered his question every day since then, though. What if he did? What would I do? After much deliberation, I believe that I finally know what the answer is. I still drive that way home, and I hope one day I see him again so I can get him to roll down his window and tell him "I would probably throw up, or at the very least spit it out."
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
The Laptop
I couldn't decide between one of my "I lost my temper" stories or just a funny story. Since I have plenty of both, and I don't want to be a one trick pony, I went with just a good ole funny story. Well, it's funny to me anyways and I hope you'll find it funny too.
Bob and Kevin. Two of my bros that I work with and kick it with on a regular basis. We go out, have some beers, bowl, make fun of each other, and take hypothetical situations as far as we can to the point where we are crying with laughter. So one night we go out bowling. Bob and I get reeeedonkuluslee drunk. Kevin is a lightweight when it comes to drinking so he was the designated driver.
Its late at night and the bowling alley does this whole glow in the dark bowling thing where they play shitty club music really loud and fill the whole place up with noxious clouds of fog. Like being intoxicated doesn't make me bowl bad enough I now have to guess where the pins are through the fog and hope they fall down because I cant hear the pins due to the music. Several times through the night, they play some Indian House music. In the lane next to us are some guys from India. Like 10 of them. And every time they play that Indian House music, these dudes go nuts. I mean, they are just as drunk and Bob and I, and they tear it up when that music plays.
Bob and Kevin are conversing and not really looking my way when they play another India Remix. The dudes next to us look to be having such a good time that I couldn't resist. I ran over and started dancing with them. It was glorious. They encircled me and we threw our hands into the air and I felt like a God. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Bob and Kevin notice whats happening. They lose their shit. The song ends and there are pats on the back and well wishes all around. I return to my lane. The bros tell me that was the funniest thing they have ever seen. To look over and see a fat white dude in the middle of all those tall skinny Indian dudes was amazing. I, sir, am a champion.
We head back to their place where I plan to crash as opposed to driving home drunk. I should preface this next part by saying that when I drink, I somehow get the strength of Zeus. As we walk to their apartment, there are a string of 10 foot tall lamp posts that are cemented into the ground. The one at the end of the walkway seemed to be giving me the evil eye. I frown at it. It mocks me. I show it my fist. It laughs at me. I walk towards it, and take the last few steps at a jog...then I kick it. It falls over. Bob and Kevin (wussies) take off running and laughing, and I am forced to figure out how to use my legs again without assistance.
As we get upstairs, one of Kevin's lady friends arrives. They retire to the bedroom, where I am quite sure Kevin whispers sweet nothings into her ear like "Disneyworld is the most magical place on earth". Kevin is oddly obsessed with Disney by the by. So Bob and I are left to our own devices in the living room. Bob tells me to make some rum and cokes. I pour 3/4 rum 1/4 coke. Bob is asleep when I return. I wake him to drink his beverage. He exclaims "wheres the fucking coke?" And our beverages go untouched due to the fact that they taste like rubbing alcohol. My bad.
Anyway, Kevin made the mistake of leaving his laptop lying out. I saw it and grinned an impish grin. I brought it over to the couch. Bob, knowing what a tight ass Kevin can be, warns me not to mess with it. I, knowing that Kevin appreciates awesome comedy even when he is the brunt of it, pay no heed to Bob. I bring up google. I click on image search. I type in a phrase. "HUGE COCK". The resulting images are quite horrendous and perfect for my plan. I select one that shows a man fellating another man. I save it. Then I set it as his wallpaper. I shut his laptop, and we proceed to laugh until our organs fall out of our bodies. Kevin comes storming out and is all "what the hell is so funny?" "Nothing" we reply. Oh the humanity.
The next morning, as always, I awake at about 6 and drive home. Bob sleeps in. Kevin wakes up a little later and takes a shower, gets his things together (including the laptop) and takes of to visit his PARENTS.
Kevin is at his parents house along with his brother, his brother's wife, and their kids. Kevins brother says "hey I got some photos to show everybody. Can I use your laptop Kevin?"
Bob wakes up. He wants to see the look on Kevins face when he sees the laptop. But Kevin is not there. Bob remembers hearing him say something about visiting his parents. Bob is a GOOD friend.
The cell phone rings. Kevin picks it up. Its Bob. "Don't open your laptop in front of your parents." "What?" "Trust me. Don't open your laptop in front of your parents."
Kevin takes the laptop into the bathroom. He opens it up and sees what I have done. At this point he claims to have deleted it, but I think he pleasured himself first.
Bob and Kevin. Two of my bros that I work with and kick it with on a regular basis. We go out, have some beers, bowl, make fun of each other, and take hypothetical situations as far as we can to the point where we are crying with laughter. So one night we go out bowling. Bob and I get reeeedonkuluslee drunk. Kevin is a lightweight when it comes to drinking so he was the designated driver.
Its late at night and the bowling alley does this whole glow in the dark bowling thing where they play shitty club music really loud and fill the whole place up with noxious clouds of fog. Like being intoxicated doesn't make me bowl bad enough I now have to guess where the pins are through the fog and hope they fall down because I cant hear the pins due to the music. Several times through the night, they play some Indian House music. In the lane next to us are some guys from India. Like 10 of them. And every time they play that Indian House music, these dudes go nuts. I mean, they are just as drunk and Bob and I, and they tear it up when that music plays.
Bob and Kevin are conversing and not really looking my way when they play another India Remix. The dudes next to us look to be having such a good time that I couldn't resist. I ran over and started dancing with them. It was glorious. They encircled me and we threw our hands into the air and I felt like a God. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Bob and Kevin notice whats happening. They lose their shit. The song ends and there are pats on the back and well wishes all around. I return to my lane. The bros tell me that was the funniest thing they have ever seen. To look over and see a fat white dude in the middle of all those tall skinny Indian dudes was amazing. I, sir, am a champion.
We head back to their place where I plan to crash as opposed to driving home drunk. I should preface this next part by saying that when I drink, I somehow get the strength of Zeus. As we walk to their apartment, there are a string of 10 foot tall lamp posts that are cemented into the ground. The one at the end of the walkway seemed to be giving me the evil eye. I frown at it. It mocks me. I show it my fist. It laughs at me. I walk towards it, and take the last few steps at a jog...then I kick it. It falls over. Bob and Kevin (wussies) take off running and laughing, and I am forced to figure out how to use my legs again without assistance.
As we get upstairs, one of Kevin's lady friends arrives. They retire to the bedroom, where I am quite sure Kevin whispers sweet nothings into her ear like "Disneyworld is the most magical place on earth". Kevin is oddly obsessed with Disney by the by. So Bob and I are left to our own devices in the living room. Bob tells me to make some rum and cokes. I pour 3/4 rum 1/4 coke. Bob is asleep when I return. I wake him to drink his beverage. He exclaims "wheres the fucking coke?" And our beverages go untouched due to the fact that they taste like rubbing alcohol. My bad.
Anyway, Kevin made the mistake of leaving his laptop lying out. I saw it and grinned an impish grin. I brought it over to the couch. Bob, knowing what a tight ass Kevin can be, warns me not to mess with it. I, knowing that Kevin appreciates awesome comedy even when he is the brunt of it, pay no heed to Bob. I bring up google. I click on image search. I type in a phrase. "HUGE COCK". The resulting images are quite horrendous and perfect for my plan. I select one that shows a man fellating another man. I save it. Then I set it as his wallpaper. I shut his laptop, and we proceed to laugh until our organs fall out of our bodies. Kevin comes storming out and is all "what the hell is so funny?" "Nothing" we reply. Oh the humanity.
The next morning, as always, I awake at about 6 and drive home. Bob sleeps in. Kevin wakes up a little later and takes a shower, gets his things together (including the laptop) and takes of to visit his PARENTS.
Kevin is at his parents house along with his brother, his brother's wife, and their kids. Kevins brother says "hey I got some photos to show everybody. Can I use your laptop Kevin?"
Bob wakes up. He wants to see the look on Kevins face when he sees the laptop. But Kevin is not there. Bob remembers hearing him say something about visiting his parents. Bob is a GOOD friend.
The cell phone rings. Kevin picks it up. Its Bob. "Don't open your laptop in front of your parents." "What?" "Trust me. Don't open your laptop in front of your parents."
Kevin takes the laptop into the bathroom. He opens it up and sees what I have done. At this point he claims to have deleted it, but I think he pleasured himself first.
Friday, June 13, 2008
The Christmas Tree Incident
As I stated in my "About Me" section, I have a bit of a temper. It has caused some problems for me in the past, but it has also provided me with a wealth of awesome stories. All of which I will eventually post here! And here is the first installment...
It was December. It was opening night of Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. The Mrs. and I were living in San Diego at the time. We knew to get there early so we could get a good seat, so we arrived several hours before showtime. The parking lot was packed. I mean R.E. Dickulus Lee packed. So we drove around looking for a spot for about 20 minutes. Fruitless.
I then drove across the street to the parking lot of a Ralph's grocery store. Just as packed. We spent about 10 minutes driving around in there looking for a spot. Needless to say, the rage was building. I spy a man pulling out of a spot. I pull up, put on my blinker and wait. Unfortunately, he decided to go the oppostite way I was facing, so that as he pulled out of the spot, someone else pulled in right behind him before I could even blink. This newcomer was in for a treat.
I had been patiently waiting for this spot with a smile on my face, knowing that but moments away I would be transported to a magical land with dwarves and hobbits aplenty. But then the dark forces of Mordor sent a 30 something asian man in a tan hatchback to steal my spot out of the blue. My initial response in most circumstances like this is to fight the person who has so offended me. So I throw the door open, and prepare to dispatch this foolish creature. My wife, on the other hand, wanted me to forget it and drive away. She screamed for me to get back in the car, and not do anything stupid because she didnt know how to bail me out of jail. I looked the little man in his face and he locked his door and just stared back wide eyed.
I was presented with two choices: 1. get back in the car (unacceptable! this prick had to know he had done wrong!) 2. give out some justice. I went with option 2. As stated before, he had a hatchback. Sticking out of said hatchback was a Christmas tree. I calmly walked over to his car, removed his Christmas tree (which he didnt deserve to have), I threw his accursed shrubbery into the parking lot, got back into my car..........and ran it over. Fuck you Mister.
It was December. It was opening night of Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. The Mrs. and I were living in San Diego at the time. We knew to get there early so we could get a good seat, so we arrived several hours before showtime. The parking lot was packed. I mean R.E. Dickulus Lee packed. So we drove around looking for a spot for about 20 minutes. Fruitless.
I then drove across the street to the parking lot of a Ralph's grocery store. Just as packed. We spent about 10 minutes driving around in there looking for a spot. Needless to say, the rage was building. I spy a man pulling out of a spot. I pull up, put on my blinker and wait. Unfortunately, he decided to go the oppostite way I was facing, so that as he pulled out of the spot, someone else pulled in right behind him before I could even blink. This newcomer was in for a treat.
I had been patiently waiting for this spot with a smile on my face, knowing that but moments away I would be transported to a magical land with dwarves and hobbits aplenty. But then the dark forces of Mordor sent a 30 something asian man in a tan hatchback to steal my spot out of the blue. My initial response in most circumstances like this is to fight the person who has so offended me. So I throw the door open, and prepare to dispatch this foolish creature. My wife, on the other hand, wanted me to forget it and drive away. She screamed for me to get back in the car, and not do anything stupid because she didnt know how to bail me out of jail. I looked the little man in his face and he locked his door and just stared back wide eyed.
I was presented with two choices: 1. get back in the car (unacceptable! this prick had to know he had done wrong!) 2. give out some justice. I went with option 2. As stated before, he had a hatchback. Sticking out of said hatchback was a Christmas tree. I calmly walked over to his car, removed his Christmas tree (which he didnt deserve to have), I threw his accursed shrubbery into the parking lot, got back into my car..........and ran it over. Fuck you Mister.
The Beginning
Blogs, blogging, bloggers. Words that I hear all the time, but never really cared about. Who cares what these people think? Why would I want to read that crap? Then I read some, and I got hooked. Then I got jealous and thought "Man, I could do that!" And here we are. Not as interesting an origin story as most comic book heroes, but what can you do? What's that you say? You need more background from me? Well fuck you! Just kidding. Here's some information about me and my life.
I was born in Georgia, raised in Alabama, got married in Alabama, moved to Georgia, moved to California, moved to Georgia, and that is where I currently reside. My wife and I have been married for 6 years, and have been together for 11 years. We recently had our first child, Lucas Elliott, who is now almost 1 month old.
As a teenager I was in a punk/ska band named Hadji and the Turbans. The name was our way of paying homage to Johnny Quest's sidekick and his awesome magical abilities. We played together for along time, and still occasionally get together and play a show. I'll post video of us and put some links to our myspace page.
I worked for Journeys shoe store for a long time and made a good living doing that, but I eventually left the company because I was working 70 hour weeks. I needed more time to spend with my wife, so I looked outside of retail. I now work for a major insurance company in the homeowners claims department. Not exactly what I envisioned when I was growing up, but its a living and I can support my family. My wife is a special ed teacher and has been for 6 years.
I love comics, comic book movies, sci-fi / fantasy books and movies, action movies, medical mystery novels, crime novels, kung fu movies... ok I pretty much like all genres of movies, all genres of fiction (except romance), most genres of music (except top 40s stuff), and most video games.
Video games. Lets talk about that. From childhood to now I have been playing video games. Nintendo, super nintendo, sega genesis, sega saturn, turbografx-16, nintendo 64, playstations 1 & 2, xbox & xbox 360, and of course PC games. About 2 years ago I got hooked on World of Warcraft. It's like crack. That's how addictive this game is. I'm sure you've heard about it, and for those of you who have played it, you know what I am talking about. I don't play as much as I used too, but I still play about 3 nights a week for a 2-3 hours. If you want to look me up in game, I'm on Kalecgos - US server - Alliance - level 70 human warlock Shaihulud. Before you ask....NO, I wont give you any gold, I wont run you and your friends through any instances, and I wont sign your guild charter. I'm in a very casual guild that raids 1 or 2 nights a week, so we aren't seeing alot of endgame stuff, but we are having fun.
So that's all for now. I'll post more later on movies, music, video games, and life.
I was born in Georgia, raised in Alabama, got married in Alabama, moved to Georgia, moved to California, moved to Georgia, and that is where I currently reside. My wife and I have been married for 6 years, and have been together for 11 years. We recently had our first child, Lucas Elliott, who is now almost 1 month old.
As a teenager I was in a punk/ska band named Hadji and the Turbans. The name was our way of paying homage to Johnny Quest's sidekick and his awesome magical abilities. We played together for along time, and still occasionally get together and play a show. I'll post video of us and put some links to our myspace page.
I worked for Journeys shoe store for a long time and made a good living doing that, but I eventually left the company because I was working 70 hour weeks. I needed more time to spend with my wife, so I looked outside of retail. I now work for a major insurance company in the homeowners claims department. Not exactly what I envisioned when I was growing up, but its a living and I can support my family. My wife is a special ed teacher and has been for 6 years.
I love comics, comic book movies, sci-fi / fantasy books and movies, action movies, medical mystery novels, crime novels, kung fu movies... ok I pretty much like all genres of movies, all genres of fiction (except romance), most genres of music (except top 40s stuff), and most video games.
Video games. Lets talk about that. From childhood to now I have been playing video games. Nintendo, super nintendo, sega genesis, sega saturn, turbografx-16, nintendo 64, playstations 1 & 2, xbox & xbox 360, and of course PC games. About 2 years ago I got hooked on World of Warcraft. It's like crack. That's how addictive this game is. I'm sure you've heard about it, and for those of you who have played it, you know what I am talking about. I don't play as much as I used too, but I still play about 3 nights a week for a 2-3 hours. If you want to look me up in game, I'm on Kalecgos - US server - Alliance - level 70 human warlock Shaihulud. Before you ask....NO, I wont give you any gold, I wont run you and your friends through any instances, and I wont sign your guild charter. I'm in a very casual guild that raids 1 or 2 nights a week, so we aren't seeing alot of endgame stuff, but we are having fun.
So that's all for now. I'll post more later on movies, music, video games, and life.
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