The Laptop

I couldn't decide between one of my "I lost my temper" stories or just a funny story. Since I have plenty of both, and I don't want to be a one trick pony, I went with just a good ole funny story. Well, it's funny to me anyways and I hope you'll find it funny too.

Bob and Kevin. Two of my bros that I work with and kick it with on a regular basis. We go out, have some beers, bowl, make fun of each other, and take hypothetical situations as far as we can to the point where we are crying with laughter. So one night we go out bowling. Bob and I get reeeedonkuluslee drunk. Kevin is a lightweight when it comes to drinking so he was the designated driver.

Its late at night and the bowling alley does this whole glow in the dark bowling thing where they play shitty club music really loud and fill the whole place up with noxious clouds of fog. Like being intoxicated doesn't make me bowl bad enough I now have to guess where the pins are through the fog and hope they fall down because I cant hear the pins due to the music. Several times through the night, they play some Indian House music. In the lane next to us are some guys from India. Like 10 of them. And every time they play that Indian House music, these dudes go nuts. I mean, they are just as drunk and Bob and I, and they tear it up when that music plays.

Bob and Kevin are conversing and not really looking my way when they play another India Remix. The dudes next to us look to be having such a good time that I couldn't resist. I ran over and started dancing with them. It was glorious. They encircled me and we threw our hands into the air and I felt like a God. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Bob and Kevin notice whats happening. They lose their shit. The song ends and there are pats on the back and well wishes all around. I return to my lane. The bros tell me that was the funniest thing they have ever seen. To look over and see a fat white dude in the middle of all those tall skinny Indian dudes was amazing. I, sir, am a champion.

We head back to their place where I plan to crash as opposed to driving home drunk. I should preface this next part by saying that when I drink, I somehow get the strength of Zeus. As we walk to their apartment, there are a string of 10 foot tall lamp posts that are cemented into the ground. The one at the end of the walkway seemed to be giving me the evil eye. I frown at it. It mocks me. I show it my fist. It laughs at me. I walk towards it, and take the last few steps at a jog...then I kick it. It falls over. Bob and Kevin (wussies) take off running and laughing, and I am forced to figure out how to use my legs again without assistance.

As we get upstairs, one of Kevin's lady friends arrives. They retire to the bedroom, where I am quite sure Kevin whispers sweet nothings into her ear like "Disneyworld is the most magical place on earth". Kevin is oddly obsessed with Disney by the by. So Bob and I are left to our own devices in the living room. Bob tells me to make some rum and cokes. I pour 3/4 rum 1/4 coke. Bob is asleep when I return. I wake him to drink his beverage. He exclaims "wheres the fucking coke?" And our beverages go untouched due to the fact that they taste like rubbing alcohol. My bad.

Anyway, Kevin made the mistake of leaving his laptop lying out. I saw it and grinned an impish grin. I brought it over to the couch. Bob, knowing what a tight ass Kevin can be, warns me not to mess with it. I, knowing that Kevin appreciates awesome comedy even when he is the brunt of it, pay no heed to Bob. I bring up google. I click on image search. I type in a phrase. "HUGE COCK". The resulting images are quite horrendous and perfect for my plan. I select one that shows a man fellating another man. I save it. Then I set it as his wallpaper. I shut his laptop, and we proceed to laugh until our organs fall out of our bodies. Kevin comes storming out and is all "what the hell is so funny?" "Nothing" we reply. Oh the humanity.

The next morning, as always, I awake at about 6 and drive home. Bob sleeps in. Kevin wakes up a little later and takes a shower, gets his things together (including the laptop) and takes of to visit his PARENTS.

Kevin is at his parents house along with his brother, his brother's wife, and their kids. Kevins brother says "hey I got some photos to show everybody. Can I use your laptop Kevin?"

Bob wakes up. He wants to see the look on Kevins face when he sees the laptop. But Kevin is not there. Bob remembers hearing him say something about visiting his parents. Bob is a GOOD friend.

The cell phone rings. Kevin picks it up. Its Bob. "Don't open your laptop in front of your parents." "What?" "Trust me. Don't open your laptop in front of your parents."

Kevin takes the laptop into the bathroom. He opens it up and sees what I have done. At this point he claims to have deleted it, but I think he pleasured himself first.